Everyone is Desperately Insecure

Dave Druey: Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, there's one thing that's absolutely true of every single person. No matter the culture, the country, the status, we all have one thing in common. It's built into our human psyche, and no matter how hard we try to get beyond it, it plagues us. It's the number one reason we struggle in life and relationships. That's what we're going to talk about today. You don't want to miss it. Stay with me. The people who seem to have it all together—confident, successful, put together, like they've got it all figured out—are hiding something too. Once you see it, it changes how you relate to absolutely everyone around you. I'm Dave Druey, and today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram takes us all the way back to the Garden of Eden to the exact moment insecurity entered the human race. We're discovering how every single person you'll ever meet is carrying the same struggle deep inside. Now here's Chip continuing our series, Carrying Enough to Connect, with today's message titled, "Everyone is Desperately Insecure."
Chip Ingram: Everyone is desperately insecure. That may sound a little crazy, but recognize everyone is desperately insecure. Not some people, but everyone. Some may be a little bit more insecure than others, but this changes everything. My paradigm shift of looking at every single person in every situation completely changed when I realized everyone—the people that seem to have it together, the people that are upwardly mobile, the people that are smart, the people that are athletic, the people that are beautiful, the people that seem to have everything in a way that you think, "Oh, it looks so wonderful"—let me tell you, behind all that, they are desperately insecure just like you and just like me. And that will change how you process their words, how you relate to them, how you think about them, and how you think about yourself. Turn in your Bibles, are you ready? All the way back to the beginning, Genesis chapter 3, verses 8 to 10. They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Then the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" He said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself." If in your Bible it's okay to underline or circle something, I would go up into verse 8, the man and his wife, you could circle the phrase, "hid themselves." They were afraid. Why? "Because I was naked, so I hid myself." The fall brought guilt and shame, and the result is fear-based relationships with God and others. You need to understand the human species. You know how we relate? We relate out of fear. I'm afraid you'll see me for who I really am. Isn't that what naked is? It's physically naked here, but they were psychologically naked. They were emotionally naked. They were afraid God would see them. They knew they had imperfections now. Before, they were secure, they were safe, and now sin has entered, and now they're non-safe or insecure, which makes them insecure people. And insecure people relate out of fear. They spend their energy hiding from God and hiding from one another. So every single person you meet is desperately insecure. They're trying to cover up who they really are because deep down, here's my thinking, here's your thinking, it's the human species: deep down, my greatest fear is that you'll see who I really am. If you see who I really am, I'm convinced you wouldn't like me. In fact, most of us spend our lives in relationships playing games, posturing, pretending, and image casting so that people can't see who we really are. We try to figure out what others will like or what we think will be accepted, and then we try and project that, all the while hiding who we really are to protect ourselves from being rejected. If you ever get that and understand that, it'll liberate your life. The people that you are most intimidated by, the people that power up and you just feel like you want to cringe, here's what you need to understand: all of us have tools or methods to create distance between us and other people so that we feel safe. It's out of print, but I can save you reading the whole book. Swiss psychologist Paul Tournier, a Christian, wrote a book called *The Strong and the Weak*. The whole book's thesis is everyone in the world is desperately insecure, and we manifest it either in strong responses or in weak responses. The whole book is cases of all the clients that he has. So people that are power-up people, people who have to dress absolutely perfect, people who tell you how many people report to them, what kind of car they drive, how much money they have, and all the stuff that makes them really, really big, people who are arrogant, people who talk about themselves in the third person. What we feel like is we either feel really turned off by those people or we feel intimidated by those people. People that have strong outbursts of anger, "Who are you to say that ever like that?" what are they doing? They've figured out a way to create distance so it's safe. Very strong reactions are carried out by very insecure people. That's just how some people express it, but the goal is the same. It's just to keep distance so you won't know who they really are. On the other hand, ultra-weak reactions: you say hi to someone and they look at their feet, "I'm a victim. No one ever likes me. I can't talk to you right now." People who withdraw, people who won't look you in the eye, people who avoid people, people who won't get involved in relationships, people who isolate themselves to extremes, what are they doing? Their underlying belief system is, "If you ever knew who I was, you wouldn't like me," and I can keep you from knowing who I really am because like a shellfish, I'm closed tight and I'll be superficial, but you'll never get me to open up and see who I really am. I was in my very first pastorate—I only had two—and I grew up with parents who were school teachers. My parents' combined salary when they started teaching school was about $4,600. Even back then, that wasn't much. So my roots are a little rent house with two bedrooms. My parents slept in one room, and the three of us kids, two girls and me, we all slept in the other room. Little by little, my dad came out of the Depression. At 13, his father died of gangrene because he wouldn't treat an accident on his leg. My dad watched all the farm equipment and his farm be sold out from under him. He, as a 16-year-old, signed in to go into the Marines in World War II because what am I going to do with my life? Frugality and the idea of working hard and the sense that you don't have much, my dad was the kind of guy that checked the locks about five times each night before he went to bed. I thought, "Man, you are a weird dude." And then I thought, "Maybe if I'd been in Guam and Iwo Jima, maybe I'd check them five times too." All that produced was someone who lived with a mentality that I just save, save, save money. I had eight or ten lawn mowing jobs and two paper routes. Then I end up in this pastorate in a rural town, but it was really a misnomer because it was about 35 people, but they were people that all worked in Dallas. They wanted a nice church out in this rural area, 30 miles outside of Dallas. One guy owned a Yamaha shop, apartment complexes. Another guy owned an insurance agency. Another guy owned one of the largest CPA firms. They would have these trucks and ranches and sort of play cowboy on the weekends, and they would all get dressed up and run Dallas. We would go to their homes, and these are my roots, *Southern Living* magazine. I'd look at all the stuff they had, and I was so intimidated. I just felt like there's only 35 people, but I'm so over my head. These are wealthy people, and wealthy people must be really smart. Really smart wealthy people must be a lot better than me. I'm just kind of a regular guy, I'm shopping at Kmart, and they're talking about Neiman Marcus having a sale on. I'm not sure who Neiman Marcus is, and I'm just overwhelmed with being insecure. I'm up-tight. This one guy we meet for breakfast for discipleship, he pays every time for everything. I'm feeling like, "I don't know what's with this, but this is dysfunctional." I remember reading that book, *The Strong and the Weak*. After two or three years, I started counseling those families, and those real together, wealthy, very smart, from great universities with kids going to great universities with high SAT scores that were pillars of the community, I'm underneath dealing with the junk and the dysfunction. What I saw was there's nothing wrong with being wealthy, but it doesn't solve your relational issues. What I saw was they had a lot more stuff than I had, but I think they had as many problems as I do. My dad was an alcoholic and Teresa's dad was too.
Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's more coming up in just a moment. But first, stick around after today's teaching. We'll tell you about a resource built to help you have real gospel-centered conversations with the people in your own life who feel far from God. It's called *Not Beyond Reach*, and it might be exactly what you need for that one relationship you've been praying about. Now back to today's lesson.
Chip Ingram: I remember the very first time I got with breakfast with this guy and I got there early. I knew what we always ordered and I paid in advance. Then we got ready and he was going to write the check. I said, "I already paid." "No, no, no." See what he learned to do is control and power up on people by always paying the bill so people were indebted to him. He was very insecure and very powerful, and the way you express that when you have a lot of money is you control everybody with your money. Then when they don't come through, you cut off the money and you play lots of games and you don't even know you're doing it. So I told him, "No, I've already paid." He goes, "No, you can't do that. You're the poor little pastor." He didn't say those words, but that was what he meant. "I'm the big rich godly guy." Then I looked him in the eye and I had one of those moments. I said, "Look," and by the way, right now he's one of my closest friends in the world. I said, "Do you want to be friends or not?" He looked at me, "What do you mean?" I said, "I'm not playing the game. I've watched what you do with your children. I've counseled you and your wife. I see how your kids are. The strings of the money happen everywhere. Tell you what, when we eat at a place like this, I'll pay at least half the time. If we go to some country club and it's $40 a dinner, you can pay. I don't have that kind of money. But I'm going to pay half the time, or you're the big hotshot and I'm the little dinky guy, and I want a friend. If you don't want a friend and there's not peer-level, and we're not going to be on the same ground level at the cross, then let's stop meeting. But if you want to have a real man-to-man and a real relationship, you pay sometimes and I'll pay sometimes. I get to make sacrifices for you, and you get to make sacrifices for me. By the way, I think a lot of this chaos in your family is you're desperately insecure just like me." He looked at me like... and 30 years later, we're just like best friends, and he's been one of the great mentors of my life. But I'm telling you, everyone is desperately insecure. There is no one that has it all together. Everyone is hiding, everyone is pretending, everyone is posturing, everyone is projecting to some degree or another. So let's get to the solution side. How do you deal with this? When uncomfortable or threatened or afraid, simply admit or verbalize appropriately and refuse to play the game. Once you get this on the table, then we get to the practice. The practice is take off your mask. Authenticity builds genuine relational intimacy; hypocrisy destroys it. You've got to take off your mask. Jot in the corner of your page somewhere there, Acts chapter 5. It amazes me that the very first sin recorded in the early church was hypocrisy. And the judgment was death. Sometimes you read that, and especially like me, I didn't grow up reading the Bible, chapter one of Acts, chapter two, chapter three... very exciting. The church is growing. Then Ananias and Sapphira, and they just told a lie, but the lie was pretending that they were something that they weren't. They projected a level of commitment that they weren't. And what did God do? Because once authenticity's gone, all you have is a charade. People, non-Christians—see I grew up as a non-Christian most of my life—non-Christians aren't looking for perfect Christians. They're looking for real Christians. That doesn't mean you've got it all together, doesn't mean you have all the answers, doesn't mean you're always perfect. It means when you mess up, you say stuff like, "Man, I am sorry. I really messed up." Take off your mask. Authenticity builds relational intimacy; hypocrisy destroys it. And it never ends. I guess you get better at it as we grow and find our security in Christ. It never ends. I remember early on as the radio ministry started growing, then I got invited to these dinners. Imagine with my roots. I grew up playing Little League baseball in blue-light specials at Kmart, and then going from the little 800-square-foot house to the 1,200-square-foot house with my parents, and playing at a little NAIA school. Now I'm sitting at the table with Tony Evans and Chuck Swindoll and all these Christian leaders. I'm here, it's 15 or 20 years later, and I have all the same feelings I had in that little town. These are the really big shots. These are the Christian leaders of the world. They've written all these books, they're so spiritual and I'm this little peon. Does anyone else—you're looking at me like I'm on drugs or something—does anyone else ever have these feelings? Anyone else ever get it? Okay. But now the question is: how do you deal with it? You know what you do? You admit it as soon as possible and verbalize it appropriately so that it's like taking a needle and getting the air out of the phony balloon. I don't know how it happened, but I'm sitting next to Chuck Swindoll. He's like one of my heroes. I'm thinking, "What am I going to do? Am I going to pretend and tell him how many stations we're on and put my chest out and try and tell him all the good things that have happened?" Why? Because I'm insecure. I'm afraid that if he really knew who I really was and how afraid I really am in this situation, he's going to think I'm a little nobody, which is exactly how I feel. Or am I just going to figure out how can we get the mask off here? I sat there very uncomfortably, and my wife equally uncomfortably. I turned to him and I said, "Excuse me, Dr. Swindoll." He's so neat. He goes, "Actually, my name's Chuck." "Okay, hey Chuck." We did a little chit-chat. Then I just said, "Could I ask you something?" He said, "Sure." I said, "I just got to tell you, man, this whole environment just intimidates me to death, and I bet it was new for you once. How do you learn to be yourself in a situation like that where you feel very intimidated? Could you help me out?" The atmosphere went boom and pretty soon, since that dinner, they had this special dinner that I end up with him every year. Every year he just finds me and he puts us, "Okay, coaching lesson number 32. Here's what we learned last year, here's how you do it this year." And it just became... and you know what I found out? What's so attractive about that guy is he's so real. Who you hear on the radio and who you meet up close is just a regular guy. But what broke the bubble was admitting that you're afraid, admitting that this is a problem. Usually when I do pastors' conferences, I figure out somewhere in that message, even if it has nothing to do with the message, I talk about how basically we're all insecure here. I tell a couple stories on myself where they go, "You got to be kidding." Because now it's hilarious. There's actually some people that are 15 years behind me and they think of me like I thought of Chuck Swindoll, and I'm thinking, "Oh brother, these poor people are they deluded." So I tell them how insecure I am and I say, "Guys, can we make a rule? Let's not talk about the sizes of our churches, the sizes of our budgets. Let's not try and impress one another. We all got struggles. If we could eliminate that the first couple days, we could really hear from God." You just get it out on the table and you watch the whole atmosphere change. Principle number one: it all begins with God. Principle number two: recognize everyone is desperately insecure. Take off your mask. Authenticity builds genuine relational intimacy; hypocrisy destroys it. And the last means of application would be on this one: catch yourself and own it when you start to posture or image cast. By the way, when I'm defensive, I'm usually hiding or running. Outbursts of anger, withdrawal, give someone the silent treatment. Anyone do that in your marriage? Oh good, glad. Very spiritual group here this morning. Having to explain to people, "The reason this happened and this happened..." When I have to explain a lot, when I'm defensive, when I have strong anger feelings that people pick up even if I don't explode or anything, or if I give people the cold shoulder or I withdraw, usually that tells me there's something inside that I'm feeling very threatened by. These are defense mechanisms, and I need to get with God, own my stuff. If I postured in a meeting, if I told you the number of times I've had to get on the phone that night or the next morning after I've been in a meeting with a group of guys and say, "You know something? About the middle of that meeting, remember when I kind of got off on this is the way it is? Yeah, I think I was probably a little threatened. I'm sorry. That was not Christ-like. Would you forgive me for my little attempt to power up there?" Here's what I can tell you: I don't think people think less of you. I think it creates an environment where we can be who we really are. I think the most attractive thing about the Lord Jesus was that when he looked you in the eye when he walked upon the earth, and when you looked in his eyes, he knew exactly who you really are, and he would know exactly who I really am, and he just still accepts us.
Dave Druey: You've been listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and the message titled "Everyone is Desperately Insecure," part of our series, Carrying Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love. If Chip's story about learning to take off his own mask hit close to home, you already know how hard it is to be honest about your own insecurity, let alone build a real relationship with someone who's walked away from God entirely. That's exactly where Aaron Pierce's book, *Not Beyond Reach*, picks up. It's a practical, field-tested guide for dropping the performance, building a real friendship, and opening the door to a real conversation about Jesus with the son, daughter, grandchild, or friend who's stopped believing or simply never has. Get your copy of *Not Beyond Reach* at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers. You know, this kind of teaching only reaches homes because listeners like you decide again and again that it's worth supporting. Your gift today keeps Living on the Edge on the air, giving people the truth they need right when they need it most. Join us as a monthly partner or make a one-time gift today by going online to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. You can also send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, P.O. Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia 30024. And then be sure to connect with us on social media. You can follow Living on the Edge on Facebook and Instagram for more encouragement throughout the week and subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast so you never miss a message from Chip. Now here's Chip.
Chip Ingram: As we wrap up today's program, I want to take just a minute and talk about why it's so important to begin to catch yourself when you posture. I mean, when you start doing that image management, when you begin to say things or act in a certain way or become self-conscious or find yourself talking about someone famous that you know... we all do these things. And we create this wall between us and other people. We do it to hide our fear and hide our insecurity, but it also hides the real you. It hides the person that God made. But like the Apostle Paul would say in 1 Corinthians chapter 15, "I am what I am by the grace of God, and his grace didn't prove vain toward me, but I labored more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God in me." I talked in this message about learning to take off your mask, of just admitting your weakness, of stop posing, stop trying to get everyone to like you. Believe me, I'm an expert on this. When you grow up in an alcoholic family like I did, man alive do you learn to read a room and figure out what people want and what's going to make this group happy or that group happy. The problem is the person that will never be happy or blessed is you because you lose yourself. This posing, this acting, this sort of personality chameleon that we can become trying to get other people to accept us and like us, little by little, it destroys your soul. Because God made you special and you are unique, and the most beautiful, powerful person is when you experience that freedom. That freedom comes when you know the truth and the truth sets you free. That's why we talk so much about having a sober self-assessment of getting your view of yourself from Scripture, of coming to the point where your security is in Christ, that you can take off your mask and you can go progressively—it's a journey, but progressively you take off your mask and you begin to say to yourself in every relationship, "There is nothing to lose here and there is no one to impress." And then if you recognize that when other people power up and when other people start to intimidate you, you can kind of have this quiet little secret and say to yourself, "Hmm, they're insecure too." Why don't you check that out today and ask God to help you just be you? Well, that's all for today. Join us next time as Chip Ingram continues the series, Carrying Enough to Connect, right here on Living on the Edge.