New Life LIVE: September 14, 2026

Intro Voice: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.
Brian Perez: Hey, hello, welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez. We're going to be here in the studio for two hours today. If you need to talk to someone about the grief that you're experiencing, maybe addiction or marital issues, family problems, give us a call. We'd love to help at 1-800-229-3000. Maybe you find yourself stuck in a situation. We can help you get unstuck. We've got clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton here, as well as licensed professional clinical counselor and president of New Life Ministries, Becky Brown. Ladies, always great to be on the show with you. And Becky, what's on your mind to start us off?
Becky Brown: Well, it's what you were just talking about, Brian. Sometimes I get perplexed. I don't know if you guys do, but life can be a challenge. Sometimes you'll hear me say life be lifing, but God be Goding. He's not far beyond us, but I think sometimes in our struggle, we can lose sight of the fact that he is with us. Recently I was in one of those perplexed places. Maybe bewildered would be a better definition. My husband and I have three adult kids. Our son has disabilities, various and sundry, and he lives with us and does pretty good most of the time. But raising a now adult with disabilities brings its challenges. If you don't think that I haven't looked for the answer since the day that this started, you'd be wrong. I'm always looking, always wondering. I have that kind of a mind that I just think, what could we do? Where could we go? And I think about the people that we help here at New Life. Those of you who will call today, that may be perplexed, maybe bewildered about a situation. It's just like what you said, Brian, we get stuck because we think, okay, well, this is it. This is all we've got and we can't move forward. My pastor yesterday reminded me that God is with me. Not me personally. He didn't say, "Becky, God is with you," but he could have because it was right to my heart. But even in those times where it's a struggle and you just don't have the answer to the million questions that you're asking. It could be your marriage is in trouble and you've tried everything. Maybe you're struggling with an addiction or you have a loved one with an addiction and you've tried everything and it feels like you are not getting anywhere. I was reminded in Second Corinthians where Paul talks about having treasures in fragile clay jars. Remember that passage where our light and momentary struggles—well, sometimes those struggles don't feel momentary or light. And yet, we are going to make it. It goes on to say, we are pressed on every side by troubles, but we're not crushed. We're perplexed, but we're not driven to despair. We're hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We are knocked down, but we're not destroyed. And verse 16, that is why we never give up. So if you are in a struggle, those days come or those moments come where it just feels like, why am I even trying? I have not been able to find the answer, clinch the deal, figure it out, make it all better. And yet, I know that God is with me. God is working in this situation. And if you are struggling in a place, it could be that you just need to ask, what am I doing wrong? What have I not thought of? And you can call us. We take your calls, 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here for a couple hours. You've got one of the smartest women I know, Alice Benton. You know that you can sometimes bring the light in just by asking the question. Just by saying, I have tried everything. I'm so frustrated with this situation. Call us today. We've been helping people for a long time and I just want to encourage you, don't give up. There is hope.
Brian Perez: I love that. Maybe you, like Becky just said, there's an angle that maybe you haven't looked at it from. That's what we are here for. So call in. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. With Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton here for two hours, so grab an open line. We're going to talk to you when we come back here on New Life Live.
Intro Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now, back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: Sometimes what starts as a way to escape from your pain becomes a real problem. It could be alcohol, pills, pornography, gambling, gaming, shopping, scrolling on social media. It's become so difficult for you to control. It's affecting your relationships and your daily life. If that sounds familiar, we want you to join us this Thursday for our webinar called From Addiction to Freedom: Biblical and Clinical Help for Lasting Recovery. It's an opportunity to better understand addiction and explore steps toward help and healing for yourself or someone you love. This is a webinar. It's online. You don't have to go anywhere. It's there in your home. Also, something to keep in mind, nobody can see you. So if you're thinking, I want to do this webinar, but I'm afraid I'm going to be in a Zoom call type of thing where everybody's going to be able to see me. No, that's not the case with this. So sign up. It's this Thursday at 7:00 PM Central time. It's 90 minutes, including 30 minutes of Q&A. And if you can't be there for the webinar this Thursday, sign up anyway because we'll send you a link where you can watch the webinar for up to a week later. So again, sign up at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Or if you text the word "webinar" to 28950, you'll receive information about the webinar at your fingertips and also a free tip sheet called Seven Steps to Overcome Addiction. So again, that's this Thursday. Sign up for it today. And Becky Brown's going to be there. She'll be hosting it. We're looking forward to this, aren't we, Becky? These are great webinars that we've been having.
Becky Brown: Well, it's just like what I was just saying. Sometimes you think that you have a way figured out. And with addiction, what we hear all the time is that, "Oh, I can handle it. It's not an addiction. I'm not really stuck in this. I can quit any time." And what we're going to talk about is real freedom, and that's what we're looking forward to hearing about.
Brian Perez: If you're not sure if you could go, you might ask your spouse and children, "Do you think I'm overly obsessed with anything, screen use, anything else that you're worried about?" And if they say yes, that means you should come. That would be an eye-opener, right?
Becky Brown: Even if you have someone in your life who struggles with addiction of any kind, this webinar can be very helpful for you to understand what that's all about. When you love someone who struggles with the inability to stop a behavior or stop the process that they're going through, it wreaks havoc on the whole family. But you need to get informed, and so you should sign up. This is a great way and a great opportunity for you.
Brian Perez: All right, get the details for this Thursday's webinar by texting the word "webinar" to 28950. And let's go to the phones. Debbie, we're going to talk to you after we go to Gil in Long Island, New York, who listens to us on newlife.com. Hey there, Gil, welcome to New Life Live. Thanks for calling 1-800-229-3000.
Gil: Welcome. It's a pleasure and a treasure. I'm the blind caller that called about my eye condition. I don't know if you remember that. I want to let you know that I've been off of all my medications for depression. I don't have depression anymore, and my eyes have been completely healed. I've also been healed of tardive dyskinesia. The only thing I'm having trouble is sleeping at night because I'm so happy in the Lord. You know, like Nehemiah 8:10 says, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Do you remember me? You mentioned that I was going to have an operation in my eye and stuff like that. I don't know if you remember that.
Brian Perez: Your voice does sound familiar, Gil.
Becky Brown: I was going to say, and there might be different co-hosts that are on today, Gil, but we are celebrating all that God has done in your life. That's quite an amazing testimony that you're giving.
Gil: Yeah, and I also taught myself how to play the piano by ear. I think I told you that. And I also have ringing in the ears which led me to salvation. Like King David says, it was good for me that I have been afflicted that I might learn your decrees. And I got off this thing called Cogentin, which gave me bad side effects. I had throwing up, nauseousness. Thank God I'm not on it anymore. And my question to you is, I'm dating someone who loves me very, very much. Her name is—well, I don't know if I should say her name, but she loves me very, very much. Her husband died years ago of cancer and he died very young. But she had four kids, and her son loves me. He just recently became saved, which is even more incredible. And he loves me so much. At least I hope so. I know he told me that I'm a God-fearing man and he even told me—I was scared. It's a good scare. He says, "I hope that you'll marry my mom." And I was surprised when he said that. I was shocked. And he gave me some of his clothes. He washed clothes and he gave me clothes to wear since some of my clothes were stolen. But my question—I love him so much, but he has a busy schedule. He works late at night and I feel sad when I can't reach him. He's always busy and I don't want to make him dizzy. My question to you is, how can I let him know without hurting his feelings that I really want to have fellowship with him? Because I want him to grow in the Lord. He's dating a girl who's also saved before he was. And I don't mind saying my girlfriend's name, her name is Maureen. She's so good to me. She saved my life. I almost died literally and I had 700 people pray for me and I've been healed of so many things.
Brian Perez: The Lord is just blessing you left and right, Gil. And to your question, how do you let your future stepson know you want more time with him? Why are you worried that that will be an upsetting question for him when he's already expressed his love for you?
Gil: Oh, because I feel upset that I can't reach him. I feel kind of like rejected. I'm very overly sensitive, and I know sensitive guys are the best in the world, but I just want to know how I can reach him without hurting his feelings and let him even know that. Because I'm claiming—and I'm going to share with him—Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." You know I could not read Braille well until I got into the Bible in 1991, 92. I got saved in March. So I want to be able to reach him, not repel him in any way, shape, or form. I just want to be the best blessing. He even said you're a God-fearing man, he said.
Brian Perez: So Gil, it's good you know that you feel big emotions when someone's not connecting with you like you want them to. You feel rejected. And so that rejection could seep too much into your messaging to your future stepson. And so I would recommend keeping it very simple and actually not expressing some of those emotions yet, but rather just ask, "Is there some way we could get together? When would it work? Can I take you out to eat? Can we have a phone call? I just miss you and want to check in with you." And I would keep it that brief. Have you ever tried expressing that to him before? And if so, how did it go?
Gil: No, I haven't yet, but I'm going to try that. You know, the Bible says, blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly or stands in the way of sinners. So I'm glad that you're giving me advice. I promise you 100 percent that I'm going to take that advice and ask that you also pray that I sleep better because I'm having trouble sleeping at night because I'm so happy and I'm so joyful that all this is happening to me.
Brian Perez: Gil, what a good problem to have, but it's still a problem. I'm going to give you a little feedback about what it's like listening to you. You have a lot of words, Gil, because you're so excited and passionate and your love for the Lord just shines through. And it could be overwhelming if you do a lot of that frequently. And so I'd ask you to think about slowing down and saying less and even reserving your great biblical knowledge and not giving too much of that, maybe not even any at all for now, to your future stepson. Because it's great when someone of a similar spirituality wants to get into that and talk about the Bible with you and get excited with you. But someone who's not in that frame of mind could feel overwhelmed by how much love and happiness you have because it comes out in a lot of words pretty quickly. How are you feeling receiving that? Have you ever heard that kind of feedback before about your presentation?
Gil: Not exactly. Yeah, but I do need to calm down a little bit. I'm just so excited. But it is true, you know, the Bible does say in James, I think it's 1:19, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry," which I'm not angry. But I'm definitely going to take that. But he likes to talk about the Bible with me. He actually was embarrassed, but I don't think he should be. He was quoting First Corinthians for a new believer, did pretty good, Chapter 13 to me, and it sounded so good when he was visiting me on Saturday. I was so impressed.
Brian Perez: So Gil, let him be the one to initiate the spirituality talk and you hold back. In fact, I'd even ask you to be more of a listener and maybe just have a question or two prepared like, "Hey, how's your relationship going? How's your job going? I know you're so busy." And then being a listener will let him feel real safe with you and it usually develops relationships better than us informing or teaching or lecturing too much. That can be off-putting unless someone's asking for it. Like if he says, "Hey Gil, I really want to learn about the Bible and you know so much and I want you to tell me what you know," well, then go for it, but still in a tempered way. Otherwise, hold back and follow his lead.
Gil: That sounds great. I love it. Can you pray for me or you're not allowed to pray on the air?
Brian Perez: Well, I had a question for you really quick, Gil. How old is your future, possibly future stepson?
Gil: I think he's 31, if I remember correctly. I just heard it once. Yeah.
Brian Perez: He's a young adult. Okay. And of course we pray for you, Gil. You know, our group gathers together each week and prays and normally we don't do it in the show, but listen, Lord is listening right now. Lord, we are celebrating all that you have done for Gil and the amazing miracles that he has experienced and the love in his life. I just pray right now for any anxiety that he may be feeling to be at rest. I pray for this relationship with his future family. And Lord, we just give you all the glory and the praise for what you've already done and will do in Gil's life. And we ask this in the name of Jesus, Amen and Amen.
Becky Brown: Amen. Did you have any other thoughts for Gil, Alice?
Dr. Alice Benton: Just what we just prayed. You know, I think as we celebrate these things that we've been praying for and then it comes to pass, it's just overwhelming. And I think that's where some of that anxiety's kind of kicking up. And, you know, I think about when we talk to folks who have been praying for relief for so long and they experience it, it is joyful. It is amazing. And then you have people, but I love what you said, Brian, is we have to reflect back on what we are giving out. And that's, you know, that's a new thing for him because he's been pretty isolated. And so we'll continue to pray. The audience continues to pray for Gil in this new chapter in his life.
Brian Perez: Amen. Gil, thanks for your phone call today on New Life Live. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. Debbie in Celebration, Florida. We just came from that call there with a praise report and now we're going to Celebration, Florida. Love it. Debbie, she listens to us on WRGN. Welcome to New Life Live.
Debbie: Hello, good afternoon. My question is, my best friend's mom is a financial narcissist and I'd like to know some ways I can support my best friend. Her mom recently asked her to sign a document regarding her paying a loan back after her mom dies. And she's very frustrated knowing that her mom has always been very financially driven about who owes her money and who doesn't and who needs to repay her for different things, including money from childhood. And she's very frustrated. I really want to know how to support her.
Brian Perez: It's an interesting question or an interesting diagnostic statement, Debbie. A financial narcissist. Describe that more because I haven't heard that term yet. Maybe it's new and I just haven't read up on it.
Debbie: Well, she seems to always have conversations about financial situations. Everything from her childhood, how long she worked, how much money she gave to family members, how she helped pay for their visa so they could become Americans. Everything in my best friend's childhood revolved around money. She had to work from the time she was nine years old to provide an income for herself. And that's just what she's always known as a relationship with her mom. It's always about money and how her mother can be repaid for.
Becky Brown: You gave a great description, Debbie. And one of the things that we know about narcissism in general is that it starts from a wound. That kind of surprises people from time to time because it seems as though narcissists are larger than life. And they are, but it comes from this internal core wound. And I'm pretty sure we know where your friend's mom's wound came from, not having enough. And then you spend the rest of your life trying to figure that out. You can hear the music. Brian, what are we going to do next?
Brian Perez: We are going to take a quick break and then we're going to come back to Debbie and everyone else who calls in for the rest of this hour and all of next. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. We've got Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton here to give you some encouragement and to help you see a way through whatever situation you're in right now. 1-800-229-3000. Steven, you're up next.
Intro Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now, back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: All right, back to caller Debbie, who's listening to us in Florida. You still with us, Debbie?
Debbie: Yes.
Becky Brown: Well, you know, when we try to figure out what is wrong with the other person, that's very informative. Labels are useful to a point. However, your friend is actually the one that has to make the changes. And that's where the challenge is. She's expecting Mom to be reasonable on some level, that's what it sounds like. And this is a really strange request that it's after she's gone, right, Debbie? Is that what you said?
Debbie: Yeah, yeah.
Becky Brown: And I don't know if she's sick or close to death, but I mean, that could be a long time from now, right? So I just wonder when you think about your friend and you think about her own healing journey from a relationship with a mother who has these issues, how is she doing? Does she have help in just growing into being her own person?
Debbie: Not to an extent she does, but she does find it challenging and frustrating in being pulled back into the scenarios that happened. Sometimes she's thought about no contact. Sometimes she's taken moments to just provide some relief for their conversation and communication, but it doesn't ever last. And once they communicate again, it stirs up the same issues.
Becky Brown: There's nothing like a mother-daughter relationship. But I think the big challenge though, Debbie, is that as she navigates this, she has to recognize her mom isn't probably going to change until she has an awareness of what this has done to her relationship. But it's tricky because if she truly has narcissistic traits, it's going to be really hard for her to recognize where her behavior or her demands have negatively impacted her daughter. The thing I would suggest is that the daughter get some help in healing and have a way to stay connected with Mom but in a different way. If money is the main thing that connects them together, there's got to be a way to extrapolate that. Whether she works with like a budget coach or even if in this request, if her mom's asking for it to be paid back after she's gone, I mean, you could say yes to that and then move on. But navigating the day-to-day relationship with her is where the strength in your friend's life and her journey will be. Alice?
Dr. Alice Benton: Debbie, there was a woman who had a pool in her backyard and she made everybody wear life jackets. Everybody. Even if they were in the house, they had to wear a life jacket. It drove everyone crazy and no one wanted to be around her because she was a control freak. It turned out she had lost a child who drowned in that pool and she carried the guilt of the loss. I wonder if something similar is happening with your friend's mom. At whatever her story was like of being an immigrant coming to the United States and the poverty she lived in, she's obsessed with money. The obsession isn't good and it drives everybody crazy, but obsession is often a comfort that covers a pain. So we can point fingers at her being such a nut about all this money, and she is being a nut about it, but probably because there's immense fear and hurt at however they had to live before they came here and became better established. And so, if you have to go to this pool lady's house, it's okay to be able to say, "I'm not going to wear a life jacket. I know how to swim, I know you're afraid, I'm not going to wear a life jacket. And if you can't have me over without the life jacket on, I don't want to come over honestly. Maybe we can meet somewhere that doesn't have a pool." So how do we apply that to your friend's situation? It probably goes something like this: "Mom, I owe you money and that is really bothersome to you and hurtful and worrisome and I still haven't paid you back." Whether or not this loan is legitimate. Because I don't know if this lady's saying, "Because I raised you, you owe me $30,000." Maybe. So I'm not going to say the girl needs to pay that kind of thing back. But if she legitimately got a loan and she should pay her mom back, then that's her side of the work to do. She should work on paying her back before she dies so that that can hopefully help resolve some of this relationship. But then I would also say, "Mom, tell me what life has been like with money struggles. How scary was it before we came to the US? And then how does it affect you that so many of us have borrowed money from you or that it cost so much to raise us and we haven't paid you back for that? I want to hear about it." And this would only work if she can listen non-defensively and not to correct her mom but to learn her mom's story. So after those steps, which are taking responsibility for the loan and then trying to hear the mom's pain if the mom will let her, the third one is to say, "Mom, it no longer works for me to talk about money this much. So if you have to ask me about the loan until I pay it back, I could do a once-a-month five-minute check-in. Otherwise, I need us to not talk about money." And Mom, if you keep bringing money up, I'm going to say, "Oops, oops, I'm going to wait for the end of the month to talk about that, Mom." And then I might have to hang up if you won't stop talking about money because I want to preserve what we could have in our relationship. Think this will work, Debbie?
Debbie: Yeah, I think so. Thank you so much. I will replay this for her.
Brian Perez: Yes, thank you. We do archive all of our episodes on Facebook and YouTube and on the New Life app, newlife.com. And that way you can isolate this and send it to your friend so that she can better have a better relationship with her mom in this situation. We're going to take a quick break here on New Life Live. Your phone calls, we're taking them for the rest of this hour and all of next. Let's hear from you. What's on your mind? 1-800-229-3000. Got a relationship with your parents or with your children that you want to talk about? Call in. 1-800-229-3000. Stephen, you're up next.
Becky Brown: Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all different ways. Wouldn't you love to be part of a rescue team? Don't miss your opportunity to be part of something that changes lives every single day because every one matters. Your generosity helps find them. And you know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/99forone. Join the mission, rescue the one and restore the many.
Intro Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now, back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: We've been talking about the Hope Together conference for a few weeks now and if you've been thinking of attending, it's coming up October 1st through the 2nd. Becky Brown is going to be one of the speakers there. Becky, who is this for?
Becky Brown: It is for those of you who are serving in ministry in all different levels. You know, we will have chaplains there, we'll have coaches, we'll have counselors, lay people who aren't trained specifically in any field but they are working in the church and want to learn about the ways that we can help people. And that's why we're coming together. I was just looking at the events today and just going through the list of the main speakers who are going to be so incredible. And I think about the people who are going to attend who then take the information to their place of ministry. And so I want to encourage you to join us. It'll be worth every minute that you will be there. And come and say hi. We want to see you there.
Brian Perez: This is October 1st through the 3rd in Allen, Texas. And if you think, well, I can't travel to Allen, Texas, guess what? They're also doing it online. But you need to register at hopetogether.com. Let me give you a promo code that you can use for 20% off registration. It's NLM20. NLM as in New Life Ministries. NLM20. Use that at hopetogether.com to get 20% off the registration for the Hope Together conference at hopetogether.com. Stephen in Fort Worth, Texas, listening on KWRD. Hello.
Stephen: Hi, how are you?
Brian Perez: Not bad. How can we help you today?
Stephen: So, I live with my mother. I've lived with her for a little over three years now. And about two days ago, she moved my brother into the house who's—
Brian Perez: Stephen, are you still there? I think we lost you. Oh, so something happened to the phone line. We didn't hear. So your brother moved into the house or she moved him into the house.
Stephen: Yes. Growing up, so from when my sister was two up until she was 12 years old, he sexually abused her. And I'm obviously really uncomfortable with that. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. And I don't know how to forgive him.
Brian Perez: Does your mom know this happened?
Stephen: Yes, she does.
Brian Perez: And what, if anything, happened as a result of the knowledge that this happened? Was he charged? Was there anything that happened?
Stephen: Nothing.
Brian Perez: Was it reported though, Stephen?
Stephen: My sister told my mom when she was like—I think she was 19 or 20 when she finally told us. But it stopped when she was 12.
Becky Brown: It's such a terrible secret for everyone to keep and the challenge now is because your brother—I assume that you haven't really had much communication with him in these years. Is that correct?
Stephen: No. And even still, we live in a two-bedroom apartment. He sleeps on the couch and I still don't have any relationship with him. I won't speak to him.
Becky Brown: I'm going to ask one more like legal question really, Stephen. I just need to know, does your sister—is your sister safe? Has this been reported? I know she's an adult now, but, you know, a lot of times when there haven't been steps made to correct the wrong, the person who suffered continues to suffer.
Stephen: Yeah, so she's physically safe. But this is tearing her apart mentally and emotionally for obvious reasons, you know.
Brian Perez: And is it also impacting her that your mother moved him in? Does she feel like your mom is taking care of and protecting him?
Stephen: Yes, she does. She feels like she doesn't care about her or her children because my sister has a little girl. And my sister said that she will never let her see them again.
Becky Brown: And this is that's the reason why I'm asking if it's been reported because if your brother—I mean, there's so many implications on this and what is his exposure to other children, other people, you know, all of those kind of things that we want to make sure. But to answer your question right now though, Stephen, you said that you just moved back in with your mom and I know this doesn't seem like it's about your brother but I just want to get curious here for a minute. You just moved back and what's the plan? Like were you planning to move in with Mom and that's going to be where you're staying or is this temporary? Tell me a little bit about that.
Stephen: Well, I've lived with her for over three years now. And I moved in originally because I was getting—at the time that I moved in with her, I just completely reached the bottom. So I'm now almost three years sober myself. Moved in for that and then I moved in to help her because she is physically handicapped. And so he just moved in two days ago.
Brian Perez: And is he also there to try to get sober?
Stephen: No, he's never had an addiction.
Brian Perez: Does he have any mental impairments, cognitive impairments?
Stephen: Well, I guess you would say depression and, you know, he just got his leg amputated.
Brian Perez: He got his leg amputated. Oh. Does he have diabetes? Is that part of that?
Stephen: No, he was born with clubfoot.
Brian Perez: Okay. And you plan to continue residing with your mom even though this is so tough with him there?
Stephen: To be honest, I don't have any other choice. I can't afford to live on my own right now as the economy is pretty difficult.
Becky Brown: Yeah, so well and before you go there, Alice, this is the thing of how do we fix this. It's Stephen, it's how do I address my brother for the offenses and how do we make this right if we're all going to be together. If he had his leg amputated, I'm sure that's part of the reason why he's there, right?
Stephen: Part of the reason, yes.
Becky Brown: Yeah. So we just got to make sense out of this dynamic. Alice, go ahead. I just I have some thoughts about this, but—
Dr. Alice Benton: Justice has not yet been done. And so your sister hasn't been fought for and your brother hasn't received the consequences of his behavior. And what we know about people that are willing to abuse a child for so long, even though he may have been close to being a child at the same time, is that they don't tend to stop with just one victim. So your sister is right to keep her children away. And he probably, there's a high likelihood that he either has abused other people or would if he had the chance. And so justice still needs to be done. And it's actually for the good of your brother, although it wouldn't seem like it to him, because consequences are what make it more likely that we'll ever regret what we've been doing and hopefully repent and then actually repair what we've done. And so when someone doesn't suffer consequences, they get away with it and they're more likely to keep perpetrating. So it's in a way, it's not your job to see justice come about, but you're one of the only people that seems to care. And God might be tapping you to make a phone call, to make a couple phone calls. Now, I it's all going to be disruptive, horribly disruptive to your entire family, but it's a necessary healing disruption. But because it is going to just turn things totally upside down if you ever decide to go this route, I would recommend that you get with one of our really good counselors in our network who has walked families through this before so that you can decide, do you alert your sister and say, "Hey, I'm going to take these steps for you and for my brother's sake and I want you to know, do you want to be involved in it?" I might even confront my brother and say, "Brother, I'm planning to do this, but you have a chance. If you want to turn yourself in, if you want to confess to my sister, if you want to get help, this could go a whole lot better than if I make a call on you and you never do anything." Brother, are you willing to do something? But if no, and it's probably no, then I'm then I'm going to do something. But Stephen, of course, that could endanger your living at your mom's because she might kick you out because she is still wanting to protect her other son. And so this this risks your life, it risks where you get to lay your head at night. And so I'm proposing something so enormous that it will only work on any level if God is in it, if he's asking you to do it, and if you have the guidance of a professional about how to go about even starting something like this. And I just said a whole lot that could turn your world upside down. How are you feeling receiving that and what are you thinking, Stephen?
Stephen: So you're right. So I have tried looking into doing that. My father is also an ex-cop. I spoke to him and I looked it up. He can't be tried at this point for doing what he did before.
Becky Brown: But you can make this—we can clear the air. Is your dad still alive too, Stephen? And there's more. Okay. I love what you're saying though, Alice, as far as having a professional, a counselor who can walk your family through this process. And you know what, disruption needs to happen because you're all holding your breath. Your sister now, the fear that comes up. And there's just so much healing that can be done even if it means that you're not speaking to your brother. There's just too many unknowns in this path that we got to straighten out.
Intro Voice: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now, back to New Life Live.
Brian Perez: Back to Stephen in Fort Worth, Texas, who called 1-800-229-3000, which is the number you can call us for the next hour because we're going to be in the studio for another hour after this one is done. Stephen, you still with us?
Stephen: Yes.
Brian Perez: All right, Becky?
Becky Brown: Yeah, Stephen, you can tell, I've got 14,000 questions. And the reason why I do is because I want healing for you, for your family, and it can happen. But you can't figure this out on your own. This is what has happened to so many families where there's a secret and then we just kind of move around it. The victim has to deal with it, but then this rupture happens again. And, you know, one of the questions I was thinking about is did your mom tell you that Brother was moving back?
Stephen: Yes, she told me way in advance. And I immediately told my sister everything and my mom got mad at me for telling my sister.
Becky Brown: And when Mom got mad at you, what did she say directly? Like what was her message to you, Stephen?
Stephen: "You hurt me so much. Why would you do something like that?"
Becky Brown: Okay. So that tells me a whole lot. And what I want for your family is I think the best way forward, you're going to have to have a family counselor, somebody who can talk to everybody, whether you can be in the room at the same time as one thing. But I just think there has to be a coming together of, look, this is what happened to all of us. Even though this happened to our sister, you are impacted by it, Stephen. And in your own recovery, you've been sober for three years. The thing is, you know in our recovery, every day is an opportunity to heal a little bit more or kind of do the white knuckle like I just won't think about it. I won't, you know, I won't go back to my source of comfort or what I had learned to be my source of comfort. Well, secrets are kind of the same thing. We expose it, but then we want to go back to hiding it again. And I don't want that for your family. So my suggestion is that we'll get you connected with a therapist in the area that can begin to walk through this process. I'm glad you called. Alice, what would you like to add to that?
Dr. Alice Benton: Stephen, to help your state of mind toward your brother, I'd understand abhorring him, just hating him, and you have a right to and you have reason to. But I want you to think that a boy who starts sexually abusing a sister that young, your brother has some nightmare story behind that. He was so likely sexually abused by somebody.
Stephen: It was. Me, I do too, and so does he. He was abused by our uncle, my mom's brother. I was abused by our uncle, my blood aunt's now ex-husband.
Dr. Alice Benton: All of you were. And I find that this is, it's a drastic story, but there can be generational cycles of sexual abuse and the story has been we keep quiet about it. Everybody's abused and nobody's talking about it, so it never stops. Because one way we handle abuse—it's a sick way—but we abuse somebody else. And usually it's actually a reenactment, especially among children. And it's trying to figure out what happened to me. What do I do with this? What do I do with this sexualized child version of myself when I shouldn't have any sexual feelings at all at this age? And so it's perpetrated against somebody else. None of it justifies the decision to pass that sexual abuse on. But understanding that you are all stuck in a very sick, silent, ignorant system. And your mom, too. I think she's doing this out of fear. I don't think she's a malicious woman. She seems to want relationship with all of you. So she's trying her best, I think, to hold the family up and hold the family together. But of course, the way she's going about it is unfortunately all wrong because it's keeping the silence which keeps the secret and the sickness going further. So what do you do? What do you say? What do you feel? You tell God you hate your brother and you invite God to start changing your heart towards your brother because your brother is as much a victim as all the rest of you are. And he's a perpetrator, but when we can think about the story behind his sin, which is he was sinned against, it helps us to start to see him through different eyes. Your brother needs salvation. Everybody in this family does. And if he's not saved, he's knocking on the doors of hell and he might not even know it. And so although he's not a person you want to save, he's a person who needs to be saved and this whole family does. And you're one of the few people in this system who has the courage and the knowledge to do something about it. And so God might be calling up a hero that the family has needed for generations and no hero has answered his call until now, until you. And so this is so much bigger than your brother. It's about the hero that needs to stop the sickness from happening in this family. And so I want you to look at this as a holy calling. You are a warrior for God who has three years of sobriety. You've already beaten one demon and it's the demon of your addiction. And so God knows you're ready and now he's calling you up to go into battle against this sexual abuse demon that has taken hold of your family and it has hold of your brother.
Stephen: I want so much to love him. And I want to forgive him, but I do hate him.
Brian Perez: So giving that to God, "Lord, you can change my heart. I will surrender the hatred I have." And he'll help you surrender it as you take these steps that we're suggesting. It will ease your hate because I think what you truly hate is that justice hasn't been done. So as justice is done and we see how your brother responds to this, it gives God such a chance to change your heart. And you know the Bible says if we pray for our enemies and if we pray for them to be blessed, it has a spiritual transaction within us and it frees us from the power that enemy has. Your brother has a whole lot of power over you and he shouldn't. And so letting God change your heart frees you from your brother's power. Stephen, thanks for calling us today here at New Life Live. Everybody watching and listening, pray for Stephen as he takes on this challenge, you could call it, that Alice just gave him. He's the one that's got to step up and do something for this family, break these family curses once and for all. We're going to send you a free tip sheet that we have and we can send this to anybody who calls in and asks for it. It's called Six Steps to Healing the Wounds of Childhood Sexual Abuse. We'll put the information in our show notes too, but if you'd like a copy of this tip sheet, give us a call at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. And we're going to be in the studio for another hour today, so call us at 1-800-229-3000. Becky, we've helped Gil today and Stephen and Debbie and so many more people.
Becky Brown: I was just thinking about that, Brian, especially hearing Stephen's heart. You know, we just did our Every Man's Battle intensive over the weekend and had great reports from there and how God is faithful to the men who take that step towards that freedom. And here's one of the testimonies: "Before coming this weekend, my life was rocky. I experienced deep guilt and shame over my past actions and significant betrayals. My wife strongly encouraged me to attend, but I wasn't convinced that this would benefit me or that I really needed it. I'm leaving this weekend very excited and hopeful and having a greatly improved relationship with my wife. I also know I have a lot of work to do and I'm fully supplied with what I've learned." And I can't implore you enough, it is time to take action, men, if this is your struggle. Not because you have abused anyone, but let me tell you, there's so many that have gone so far into their sexual integrity struggle. And they've gotten in trouble, you know, and we want freedom for you. And that's why we are asking you to partner with New Life. We want you to support the ministry because we're putting the message out there that there is freedom that is possible. If you give to New Life, we're saying this on the air in a world where there's so many confusing messages. Hope is what we want you to have. And we'll keep doing it as long as the Lord provides.
Brian Perez: Yep, and you can help us by going to newlife.com to make a donation or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Keep calling into the studio, we'll talk to you next time here on New Life Live.
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