The Only Person I Can Change is Me, Part 2

Chip Ingram: How do you deal with a chronically bad relationship? It just doesn't work. In some cases, you're actually related to these people. It's chaos, it's chronic, it's negative. What do you do? When do you give up? How do you stay in the game? What's the will of God? That's today on Living on the Edge.
Dave Drury: Hello, I'm Dave Drury, and this is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Ever notice how the things that bug you most about someone else are often the very things you struggle with yourself? Today, Chip concludes our series called *Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love* by showing us why dealing with our own hearts has to come first before we can ever hope to help someone else with theirs. Now here's Chip Ingram, reading the words of Jesus in Luke chapter 6, verse 27, with today's message titled, "The Only Person I Can Change is Me."
Chip Ingram: He says, "But I say to you who hear, love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. Bless those who persecute you and pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, literally the right cheek, offer him the left. And whoever takes away your coat, don't withhold your shirt from him as well. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. And just as you want men to treat you, treat them in the same way." "And if you love those who love you, what credit is that? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that? For even sinners do the same thing. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive credit, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount." In other words, when you're just dishing out what other people dish to you, or when you're playing the tit-for-tat game, you're just part of the human race. But that's not like a follower of Jesus. That's not a supernatural response. That's not how relationships work. And then he goes on to say, "But love your enemies and do good and lend and expect nothing in return." And notice here's where the faith kicks in: "Your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He Himself is kind to the ungrateful and evil men." We're never more like God and we're never more like His Son Jesus than when we give people what they don't deserve. And then notice He wants to explain how God is kind. He says, "Be merciful," or literally the phrase is, "Become or show mercy, just as your Father is merciful. And do not pass judgment and you will not be judged. And do not condemn and you shall not be condemned. Pardon and you will be pardoned." All of a sudden, you're saying, "This is not fair. This is chronic relatititis and this person is a jerk at work, and he won't get off the couch, and she's not very affectionate, and this kid's been disrespectful, and they don't deserve it." And Jesus says, "Do you want to break the system?" Every relationship is a system. There's some sort of feedback relational loop that you develop with people, and it's a system. You have a system going with them. Most of us are waiting for this other person to change. We want them to change, and so we create ways that we think will help them change. Most of the ways are ineffective and negative. Nag, nag, nag. Now, that doesn't work at home, and it doesn't work at work. Or passive-aggressive. I'm going to figure out how to pay you back in subtle ways where it doesn't come out, but you really pay and I execute vengeance. That's what unresolved anger passive-aggressive behavior does. Jesus said all those ways aren't how you build relationships in the Kingdom. You are powerless to change other people. When you get that, your lightbulbs will go off. You are powerless to change your wife, powerless to change your friends, powerless to change your husband, powerless to change your kids, powerless to change your in-laws, powerless to change your boss. You are powerless in and of yourself to change anybody. The principle is, you can only change you. I can only change me. Do we really know what's going on inside of that clerk, or what's really going on inside even your mate or that disrespectful kid? We judge and come to conclusions, and we assume our perspective is the perspective. I actually have a little 3x5 card because I am so bad at this. Especially if you have some spiritual gift in the area of discernment, then what you think is you can read people. I know what's going on. I've sat down with my wife and I think I know exactly what she's thinking. She looks at me with her quiet, lovely little blonde hair and steel-blue eyes and says, "You can't read my mind and you don't know what I'm thinking." And I need that, because my tendency is to think my perspective is the perspective. In fact, in major conflicts, I've learned a little rule. Major, major conflicts, whether they be at work or at home or with a neighbor, I start the conversation by saying, "Let's see if we can't get all the facts on the table. And what I'd like to do is share my perspective of the truth that is not to be confused with reality. What I'm telling you is, this is honestly how I see it and I want to get that on the table. And I would like you to tell me how you really see it. And then let's see if we can put those together. And I won't assume that how I see it is the way it is, and would you just suspend judgment for just a little while and not assume that your perspective is the perspective?" Because otherwise, the only response you can have if your judgment, your evaluation, is the way it is, then if the other person disagrees, the only thing you can do is become defensive. And what's that do? That takes the relationship farther and farther apart. The second objection is that, "Chip, that all sounds really good. It's very spiritual. I appreciate that. That probably works for you and Theresa. I hope you guys do well with that. But what you don't really get is I've been at this a lot longer time. It's her pride, it's her insensitivity, and it's her baggage. Look, we've actually been to counseling on this one, and we both agree it's her issues. Or it's his passive-aggressive or angry outbursts. I'm the one in the family or in the in-laws that walks with God. You don't understand. We are the spiritual people in this chronic relatititis, and they are the pagan, immature, not walking with God, arrogant, insensitive, got the big problems people. So I understand all this stuff about giving what they don't deserve and I'll try that just a little bit more, but..." Okay, so just before you go there, what comes before the verse really has a lot to say about that verse. But you can't stop there, because what comes right after the verse often has just as much to say. So we're told to do this outrageous behavior of showing mercy, of loving our enemies, of giving with no expectation of return. And if we give, by the way, did you notice this is a promise? This is from the lips of Jesus. This isn't like a Chip-ism. This isn't a principle that someone has developed from the Bible. From the very lips of Jesus, it's a promise: "Give, and it will be given unto you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over back into your lap." Well, let's just notice it's not a financial passage. Everyone uses this for finances because it applies. This is not a financial passage. This is a relational passage. Jesus just talked to them about, "Blessed are, blessed are, blessed are," and then He just talked about how to treat people in ways that they should never deserve. And then He says, "Give, and it will be given unto you." Well, let's just go one more verse or two or three or four. Let's look at verse 39 to see out of this radical promise He makes about relationships. He says, "And He also told them a parable." Notice that little phrase, "and He also." Anytime the author, empowered by the Holy Spirit, is connecting what He's saying now with what He just said, there's a good probability that what He now has just said ties into what He previously said. And so He also told them a parable. "A blind man cannot guide a blind man, can he? Will they not both fall into a pit? A pupil is not above his teacher, but everyone after he's been fully trained will be like his teacher. And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see..." Notice it's not just that you have it, you don't see it. You do not see the log that is in your own eye. "You hypocrite, first..." Circle the word "first" in your Bible. This is what gets left out when this is taught. "First take the log out of your own eye, and then you'll be able to see clearly to take out the speck that's in your brother's eye." Often this is taught like, "Oh, never judge anyone. You should never evaluate anything. You've got issues of your own, who are you to speak into..." This doesn't say you don't speak into other people's lives. This says, just look at yourself first. Look at what your issues are, look at what you need to change, look at what God wants to say to you. And then once you do that, okay, now you have a little clearer vision out of kindness and love. And by the way, a sense of, "Oh, wow, God, once I see what I've done and how insensitive I've been to You and other things I've done in my life, I want mercy, mercy, mercy. Please don't hold that against me. I'm really, really sorry, God. Oh, please, please, please." When you really get that, guess how you're going to start treating other people? "Oh, God, I really don't want to treat them like You treat me, but this seems really clear. If I don't, I'm in big trouble. So I want to give away mercy, treat people and withhold what's justly due, and I want to extend grace because that's what You've done. Because I saw the log, and I thought they were arrogant until I looked at my heart. I thought they were insensitive, and they are in this relationship, but I've been insensitive to You. And I've got a disrespectful child, but boy, You know, Lord, I never really thought that my own childhood, my own attitude toward my parents could have any relation to what I'm producing." See what He's saying? Deal with your own stuff first. And then notice, He actually is going to tell us how to go about it. He says, "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor on the other hand a bad tree which produces good fruit. For each tree is known by its fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from briar bushes." And His point is, whatever the roots are, whatever the genuine roots are, that's going to come out in the fruit and the behavior, in the actions.
Dave Drury: You're listening to *Living on the Edge* with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back to today's message in just a moment. But first, did you know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel. There you'll find full video versions of his Bible teachings along with entire series on marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for your schedule. All right, now back to our message.
Chip Ingram: And what He's saying is, so you get the log out. You need to look at your own issues, look at the root of your own issues, and you deal with that. And then the kind of fruit that'll come in your life—now you're the kind of person that can love and look in and help others. And then just in case you're thinking to yourself, "Well, how can you really know the fruit in your own life?" Look at verse 45. He just sort of out of the blue, after talking about the fruit and trees and the parallels, "The good man out of the good treasure," literally out of his treasury. It's almost like there's a treasury down in your heart. "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." And so what I really realize is that not only do I need to give what I want most in a relationship, but I'm never more like God when I give people what they don't deserve. And it's not fair, it's supernatural. But the other thing is, the problem is not the other person. That's my perception of the problem. I'm not saying the other person doesn't have significant problems. But what I'm saying is, the problem in the relational system is I need to go first and say, "God, what is it about how I respond?" By the way, the things that you're most defensive about, the things that bug you the most, the things that just are your buttons—I just hate to tell you this—often those are the very things that you're in violation of with other people. Really arrogant people don't like other arrogant people. Really insensitive people are really blown away by insensitive people. You understand what I'm saying? Often the very things that bug you about people, that might be one of those little indications that, in the root, down deep somewhere behind all your defense mechanisms and mine, maybe there's something about this relationship God wants me to learn to look inside of my heart first. And then you say, "Well, how do you know what's there?" Start listening to your speech. My speech will reveal my heart. The tone of my words—are they positive, are they negative? Are they words that give life or are they words that put down? Are they words that frame things? Are they words that say, "I'm the authority, I know what's best"? And you can be really arrogant in really subtle semi-godly type ways. But arrogance is just me being filled with me instead of living in humility before God and realizing God has a lot of people that He can speak through. One of the greatest signs of humility is being teachable, being willing to listen, being willing to be reproved, being willing to say, "I need to learn something," even in an area where you feel like maybe you know quite a bit. So, only person I can change is me. The passage is Luke 6:38, and then here's the practice that flows right out of the passage. Ask God what He wants to change in you rather than focusing on what needs to change in the other person, and then go to work on it by His grace. Ask God in this chronic relatititis—you can go back to that person that you're thinking in your mind—ask God, "Okay, I know for sure what needs to change in that person. We've identified that. But since it's a system and the way I'm going about changing it so far, it's called chronic relatititis. I mean, if it wasn't chronic, it wouldn't be ongoing hassle and it continually causes concerns or conflict." And so it's like, okay, Lord, nagging, being passive-aggressive, yelling, anger outbursts, threatening—those haven't worked. I think I'll try it Your way. So I think I'm going to give first to them what I really want in the relationship, and then I'm going to ask You to change me. I'm going to ask You to show me and then change me. Because once one person changes, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. Now, by the way, this is not saying and I'm not guaranteeing that you give away kindness to someone who's insensitive and do it three weeks—don't come back and say, "Hey, I gave away kindness for three weeks and it ain't working." You know what? It doesn't mean necessarily that other person will change, although I will tell you, you will be amazed. You will be amazed that as you do that, it really happens. The only person I can change is me. I'm powerless to change my mate, my boss, my rebellious friend, my co-worker. But when I change the system, it begins to change. And then what I've learned is that as you do that, in a great majority of the times, God starts doing things. I mean, down to little things. I've got a little bagel shop next to where I buy coffee, and the guy is just the most negative person in the whole world. I mean, he's just, you know—I mean, if it's a sunny day, "I'll probably get a sunburn." I mean, it doesn't matter. "Hey," and I'll walk in, say, "Wow, you're pretty full today." "Yeah, full today, but we weren't yesterday." I mean, just negative, negative, negative, negative, negative. And so he bugs me. And so I thought, "You know what? All right. I don't think I'm going to buy bagels here anymore." But he's got great bagels. So I decided not to go that route. So I just decided, "You know what? All right. You little bagel man." And I mean, I'm on the warpath. And I walk in and I mean, it is just, "I want to tell you something." "What's that?" You know, he's always in a hurry. "Could you wait for just one second?" "Yeah." "You know, the last time I came in, that lady over there, she served me with such a great attitude and I just wanted to tell you." "Well, that's good because most of them don't do a very good job." I said, "You know, that may be true. But boy, yesterday she did, and I come here because of the way she treats me. And you know what? She must have an excellent boss to learn this kind of attitude. By the way, you know what? You go ahead and keep the change. Great to see you, I'll see you later." And I mean, I got no response for a month. But I'm thinking, "I'm going to win this battle. I'm going to win this battle." The last time I came in, you know, and every time, you know, and you know me, I'm playing this—I'm just a nut. I just kind of think, "Okay, I'm going to give what I'm not getting. I'm going to give what I'm not getting." The last time I went in there, I bought these sandwiches and I was kind of in a hurry and I didn't have time to figure out how I was going to bless this guy. And I was having my own issues that day. And he gives me this little card, you know, if you punch it like ten times you get a free sandwich. I mean, it's going to take me till New Year's. And so, but I decided rather than be negative, I get this, I said, "Oh," he said, "You know something?" I said, "Thank you very much, but I always lose these cards and I never use them. So why don't you just save it and give it to someone else?" And he puts it down, he goes, "What's your phone number?" I gave him my phone number. He says, "Don't worry about the cards. Whenever you come in, you give me the phone number, it goes in the computer, it'll automatically pop up, we'll give you a free sandwich." And I said, "Oh, you don't need to do that, man. It's okay. I mean, you have the best sandwiches and best bagels. I just like to come." He said, "We like to really treat all of our customers well. I want to say thank you to you." And I just—I mean, I walked out of there and I thought, "It took a month. It took a month." And it's always good to give an illustration on one of those trite kind of issues. At the heart of all this, when someone is in a chronic relatititis situation with you, your unconscious response is to start to give them evil for evil. And it says don't do that; give good for evil. And then here's the last line I'll leave you with: "If possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Respect what's right in the sight of all men, if possible, and just remember it's not always possible. Those in-laws may never be positive. There may be aspects of very important relationships. But you know what you can have? You can have peace, and right now you don't have that. As far as it's possible, you can say, "God, I'm giving. I'm giving friendship. I'm giving affection. I'm giving a listening ear. I'm giving understanding. Lord, I'm pleasing to You." And you know, this other person, they may respond, they may not respond, because You're not going to overpower their will. And I sure can't change them. Principle number eight: the only person I can change is me. So give, and it will be given unto you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together. The practice: ask God in this chronic relationship, "How do You want to change me?" And then say, "Lord, I can't do it. I need Your grace." And you just might find you'll see some real shifts occur in relationships.
Dave Drury: You're listening to *Living on the Edge*, with a message titled, "The Only Person I Can Change is Me," and the end of our series called *Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love*. This study came from Chip's own hard-won lessons learned over more than three decades of marriage, parenting, and pastoring people through their toughest relationships. Now, this is a series you'd like to hear again or share with someone who needs it. You can always find it at livingontheedge.org. If you'd like more encouragement throughout the week, follow *Living on the Edge* on Facebook and Instagram, and be sure to subscribe to the *Living on the Edge* podcast wherever you listen. And as we wrap up this series on building bridges, we want to recommend a book titled *Not Beyond Reach*. It's built for the relationships that feel hardest to reach: the son or daughter who's stopped believing, the friend who's walked away, the neighbor who's never once been open to church. Author Aaron Pierce offers practical, field-tested guidance for reaching someone with the Gospel through authenticity, confidence, and total reliance on the Holy Spirit. You can get your copy of *Not Beyond Reach* at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers. Every broadcast is made possible by friends who believe this teaching matters. If you'd like to join them, your gift of any amount helps us reach more people with practical biblical truth. Give online at livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. You can also give through the mail. Until next time, this is Dave Drury, thanking you for listening to *Living on the Edge*.